NB: ‘Emily’ is a pseudonym.
I have been working with Anne from Torch for quite some time now. Initially she came on a one-off visit to help me go through a huge pile of unopened mail. I have chronic mental and physical health issues, and I struggle with day-to-day tasks and activities, such as opening mail, arranging and going to appointments, managing my home (repairs, etc.) and other crucial tasks.
“It is so important that I overcome these barriers so I can provide a stable upbringing and my daughter can thrive.”
I also find intimacy extremely difficult. Something as simple as going for coffee with family and friends is incredibly hard, as are day trips, outings and anything involving interacting with other people. Having a 12-year-old daughter, these activities are crucial. She needs to meet family and get out of the apartment. I don’t want my fear of intimacy (be it with family, friends or partners) to affect her. It is so important that I overcome these barriers so I can provide a stable upbringing and my daughter can thrive.
I have suffered bullying and abuse throughout my life, and this has caused me to be reluctant to make friends. I have no real friends to speak of and this self-enforced isolation feels like the only way to maintain a stable emotional state. However, this has enormous downsides.
This inability to trust other people has caused me great emotional distress. I feel desperately lonely at times and crave human contact. I don’t enjoy my isolation, but equally I feel unable to break this cycle of mistrust. It feels like a Catch-22: to trust is dangerous, but not to trust has proven equally so.
I am reluctant to ask for help when I need it: when I am about to have an episode of mental ill-health. These episodes can be catastrophic. However, I am so good at masking and covering up my mental decline that even my family are unaware. Worst of all, my wonderful 12-year-old daughter has been negatively affected. We have a very close bond, and it has been incredibly hard for her over the past year, especially.
“… how is it possible for a human being to bear this much pain?”
This is where Anne, from the wonderful charity Torch, comes in. I found myself crying out for help one night. I even found myself crying out to God. I am a lapsed Catholic and honestly surprised myself. I hadn’t been to church in years. I wasn’t even sure if I believed in God anymore. All I knew was that the unbearable pain was too much to handle. I was exhausted. I was so worried for my daughter. I desperately needed help. I found myself asking: how is it possible for a human being to bear this much pain? To suffer so much?
My thoughts inevitably turned to Jesus and the cross He bore. Even for a lapsed Christian, that gave me comfort. As they say: we all have our cross to bear. Perhaps I could follow His example: accept the pain and suffering with dignity. However, I needed help to do that. Mental health services in the local area are at maximum capacity. They are stretched to their limits. I am truly grateful that Torch was there to provide that much-needed help.
I find it hard to describe how I felt when Anne first walked through the door. She has a presence. There was no mention of religion (Torch helps everyone, regardless of faith – something I feel is very important). All I know was that I felt safe. I felt calm and contained. I felt free to be myself without risk of judgement or criticism.
This is incredibly rare for me. Usually, it takes me several visits to begin to feel comfortable with someone. Anne was different. She has so much love, kindness and empathy. I felt gently encouraged to help myself while she walked alongside me.
“Anne’s calming presence put me at ease, and I felt able to do the unthinkable: to open my mail!”
The little white, unopened letters felt like ticking time-bombs: they terrified me. Anne’s calming presence put me at ease, and I felt able to do the unthinkable: to open my mail! Anne helped me to defuse these bombs! In the end, I saw they weren’t really all that scary at all.
However, they were critical. I faced having my electricity cut off, and Anne helped me to deal with this and other important things. I found myself able to make follow-up phone calls when Anne wasn’t with me. This was an amazing achievement for me, and something I found incredibly hard.
I’m not saying I’m suddenly cured. These are long-standing difficulties, and calls can still be very traumatising. With my electricity bills, I have been able to do everything required to get back on track. This has been an issue that has been on-going for nearly two years. I cannot express adequately the worry it has caused me. To have been able to resolve that myself, with Anne’s initial support, has shown me that I can do the ‘impossible’. I have tentatively been making further calls, dealing with other issues – alone. This is all down to Anne. I can hardly believe it.
I’ve also been able to meet Anne for coffee. This is huge for me, and friendships are incredibly difficult. Anne has even taken me to communion – something I’ve wanted to do for many years. Anne is so kind, so warm-hearted, so grounded and completely non-judgemental. The latter is so important to me. I live my life with a deep sense of shame. It is something I have always carried with me and have been unable to cope with. This shame, guilt and feeling that I’m a bad person has plagued my life.
“Few people have ever made me feel worthy. Anne makes me feel like I’m a worthwhile human being.”
With Anne, I feel free of that shame. It’s hard to articulate what this has meant to me. Few people have ever made me feel worthy. Anne makes me feel like I’m a worthwhile human being. I’m so used to feeling ‘bad’; she makes me feel good. It’s a wonderful feeling, something incredibly rare and incredibly healing.
I feel a deep gratitude to this wonderful lady. She has helped to give my life meaning.
I’ve since been for coffee with my brother, something I’d struggled to do on numerous occasions. I have missed my brother terribly. Even though we live in the same town, my mental health has caused me to be very distant. I would love nothing more than to have a relationship with him, his wonderful wife and son. He was amazed at the transformation of my health, as was my doctor!
Perhaps most pertinent of all is how my daughter feels. She said, “You seem so much less stressed since you started seeing Anne … so much calmer and happier.” This was simply amazing to hear!
“Torch is a fantastic organisation, and Anne is an absolute credit to them.”
I see Anne as a true friend and am touched that she has put so much effort into supporting me and my daughter. Torch is a fantastic organisation, and Anne is an absolute credit to them.
I feel truly blessed that I met this wonderful lady. She has helped me more than she knows and in so many ways. I honestly don’t know where I would be had she not come into my life at such a critical point.
Thank you, Torch. And thank you, Anne.
Story published with permission.
Note from Anne
‘Emily’ (not her real name) was very anxious when I first met her. I was initially able to offer some support and helped her by boosting her confidence in her own abilities, and be with her while she opened post and made phone calls.
I feel very touched and humbled by her comments about Torch and the difference I have been able to make. Life is not easy for ‘Emily’, but she now has more confidence to deal with things by herself. I am there if she needs me, and I will continue to be a ‘sensible friend’ at meetings and appointments as necessary.